Have you ever understood exactly what you needed to change, but still couldn’t bring yourself to do it? What finally made the difference?
The path calls my name
Yet my shadow holds me still
I question its gripOld wounds guard the gate
Roots cling to familiar ground
What must I release?The earth waits for me
Not every step needs courage
Some just need to start
I may want to be healthier, more successful, more popular, more abundant, more spiritually aware, or simply more at peace with myself or others. The path I see ahead of me is built from those things I want. What I need, however, may follow a different path, one that winds off in a tougher direction.
So I stand here wondering what to do next. Resistance may be something within me pushing back against moving forward, even when I want to. Apathy may be when I no longer feel the desire or motivation to move at all. Both can leave me standing in the same place, but for different reasons. And sometimes apathy may be a mask for something I don’t want to face.*
Yet here I am, wanting to dilly-dally or just lie down and nap. Am I lazy? Afraid? Or is there some unseen force or spirit that has me chained back?
Protection: It may be that I’m afraid of being injured again, of confronting an old wound and bringing back painful emotions. This resistance may actually be protecting me, even though taking a risk may be exactly what I need. I need to examine the armor I’m wearing. Some of it may no longer serve me, while some may still be necessary for the path ahead.
Familiarity and identity: Unhealthy patterns can become familiar, and familiarity can feel safer than change. The cliché, “better the devil I know,” comes to mind. Some patterns may be so deeply rooted in family, culture, or society that I don’t even recognize them as resistance.* Looking closer at why I hold on to these habits may reveal deeper wounds needing healing.
Exhaustion and discouragement: It may be that I’m just tired of disappointment, depression, stress, or grief. What looks like apathy may truly be fatigue. Just because I’m out of energy doesn’t mean I’m unwilling to change. Maybe I just need to take a nap.
Conflicting desires: I may be avoiding discomfort or responsibility, even though I honestly want to heal and grow. Both desires can exist together, leaving me caught between moving forward and staying where I am. Equanimity may help me quiet the struggle, discernment may help me recognize what matters, and perhaps together they can help me make a sagacious choice.* Sometimes the first step is deciding which path to take. But eventually, I still have to walk it.
Doubt and loss of meaning: I’ve tried and tried, yet the cycle continues. I’ve put in the effort, but the goal remains just out of reach. Maybe it’s spiritual disillusionment, unclear intentions, or previous failures. Or perhaps I’ve focused so much on what I want that I’ve become blind to what I need. Maybe I’ve been walking in circles because I keep looking for the same thing.
Fear of what comes afterward: I may fear what life will look like if I truly succeed. Positive change may affect my relationships, responsibilities, and expectations. Some cords holding me back may need to be loosened, untangled, or even cut. That may bring discomfort, but it may also be necessary for healing.
From Insight to Action
Recognizing why I’m standing still doesn’t mean I’m ready to move. I may understand my fears, recognize my unhealthy habits, and even know which path I need to take. But understanding something and doing something about it are two different things.
Perhaps overcoming resistance begins by listening to it rather than fighting it. What is it protecting? What am I afraid of losing? Am I resisting something I genuinely need, or something I only think I want?
Sometimes I need rest, help, or a different direction. Other times I simply need to take that first step. But insight without action can become another comfortable place to remain. I can spend so much time examining the path that I never walk it.
Healing also requires my participation. Maybe that means sacrificing something familiar, learning to dance with change, or simply finding the courage to take a step. I can know exactly where the path leads and still be standing here with my feet planted.*
Sometimes I resist change until I hit rock bottom, when circumstances leave me little choice but to act. I may have ignored the signs or hoped things would work themselves out. But life moves whether I participate or not. There’s an old spiritual understanding that if I don’t make a decision, Spirit may eventually make it for me. And that path may be harder than the one I could have chosen.*
Sometimes I need to get out of my own head and talk to someone. Friends, teachers, and those I trust may recognize patterns I’ve become blind to. Speaking my concerns aloud can reveal something that all those conversations with myself never could.*
So where does all this leave me? I still need to recognize when to rest, when to seek help, when to let go, and when to act. Understanding why I’m standing still matters. But eventually, I must decide what to do with that understanding. And perhaps I’ll discover that the shadowy spirit I’ve blamed for holding me back was never holding me captive in the first place.
This is my journey,
Nate Long “Owl”
* Insight from Journey-Working group meditation.
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