Discovering what we hide from ourselves
I buried what I could not carry
And what I feared to become.
The daylight passes above,
While something waits below my toes.
I can feel it not-quite sleeping
Yet listening all the same.
So I stand without the spade.
There are many things we bury, each for a different reason. Some we want gone for good. Others we hide from the world, preserve with honor and respect, or bury in the hope that something will grow. A seed and a shard of pottery may lie beneath the same soil, but we have very different expectations of what will become of them.
We bury desires, emotions, memories, traumas, and even darker views of ourselves and the world. Some we intentionally hide, while others sink below the surface as life goes on.
We may bury desires we’re afraid to pursue, such as independence, recognition, intimacy, creativity, or simply the freedom to rest without guilt. We may feel undeserving, selfish, or afraid of disappointing others. Eventually, we may even forget that we wanted them.
We also bury qualities we don’t like to admit we possess, like anger, jealousy, resentment, pride, selfishness, and fear. We call these character flaws and treat them as something to heal or eliminate. But is anger always wrong? Is pride always misplaced? And when does taking care of myself become selfishness? Someone who believes independence is selfish may bury both the desire for freedom and the resentment that grows from denying it.
Sometimes we even bury the desire to feel good about ourselves, believing it would be selfish or conceited. We may carry guilt and shame over past mistakes, as though feeling bad about what we’ve done somehow makes us better people. But have we actually learned anything from those mistakes? *
We may also bury some of our most beautiful memories. A first love, a friendship, or a time of great happiness may become difficult to remember because of the loss that followed. Sometimes it’s not the memory itself we’re avoiding, but the feelings that come with it. *
And there are darker things buried so deeply that I may be afraid to even look for them. Ideas about myself or the world that I believe may be harmful, but that I still carry. Sometimes I’m afraid I might act on them. I may not be ready to face them, and perhaps I don’t need to. Not yet. *
Some things are hidden through conscious decisions. Others disappear through years of experience. Perhaps we learned as children that anger was unacceptable, asking for help showed weakness, or expressing our needs would disappoint someone we loved. We adapted, and eventually those adaptations became so familiar that we stopped noticing them.
Sometimes what we show the world is protecting what we’ve buried. Strength and independence may conceal vulnerability. Arrogance may hide a fear of being unimportant. Even our constant need to be useful may keep us from looking within. And I may need to ask whether these protections are still necessary. *
When I find myself unwilling or unable to move forward, I might ask what I’m avoiding. Is something standing in my way, or am I protecting something I’ve buried?
Sometimes what I’m avoiding isn’t an action or decision, but a feeling. We may recognize grief while keeping too busy to grieve, or desire happiness while feeling guilty when we experience joy.
Someone who has spent much of their life caring for others may know they need rest, yet when they finally have a free afternoon, they keep working. I’ve experienced this myself, feeling that if no one else can or will do something, then I must. Recognizing why I feel this way doesn’t mean I have to change it immediately.
Sometimes I can learn more by looking around a memory rather than directly into it. Who was I then? What was happening in my life? What was I feeling, or refusing to feel? Understanding the person I was then may reveal something I’ve overlooked. *
It’s possible to discover what is buried within us without digging it up.
A buried seed may eventually grow, while a stone may remain exactly where it is. Neither needs my attention simply because I’ve discovered it. I may never understand everything I’ve buried, or why I buried it. But perhaps knowing it’s there is enough for now.
This is my journey,
Nate Long “Owl”
* Insight from Journey-Working group meditation.
Journey-work considerations:
- What have I kept hidden from myself, and why? What has it protected me from, or prevented me from experiencing?
- What relationship should I have with what I discover? Is it something to embrace, heal, release, or simply acknowledge?
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